Friends, I have spoken to my parents about my feelings that I am not fully appreciated for the work I do during the day. As you know from reading my resume (see resume posted), I am President of BBB Security and I take my job very seriously. They suggested I start preparing a log covering one week per month that highlights the work I perform. I thought that was a very good suggestion. I would like to share with you the log I prepared for my parents for the month of May:
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buy Lyrica SECURITY REPORT
One Paw Hill Road
The following report reflects activity for the week of May 8, 2017
follow site Monday, May 8:
At exactly 8:02 a.m., dudes from the Marina drove up in a white Ford truck, license plate BEYETME2. Employee stepped outside to give permission (and a paw to the crotch) to the dudes to access the property to unload property owner’s boat trailer. They were observed backing their vehicle onto the upper south end of the property where they parked the boat trailer. Stepping outside the truck to check on the trailer placement, one dude was seen checking the bottom of his shoe and scowling. They drove away at 8:06 a.m. and the property was re-secured by BBB Security.
The reminder of the day was spent surveying the property for wildlife. If they didn’t look too scary, vicious barks were voiced to scare them away. In an effort to build peaceful relations (and to keep security personnel safe), large wildlife that could potentially hurt security personnel when they are outside performing security duties were given security assess to the property – i.e. security personnel napped in their office. Making friends with these offenders seemed like the best security plan.
At 2:30 p.m., employee called for take-out food. A delivery person dropped off an order of chicken (no skin) at the front step before being chased away by employee, thus ensuring no tipping would be required.
Owners arrived home. Employee on duty indicated his dissatisfaction with being left alone all day.
Tuesday, May 9:
At 5:30 a.m. it was determined that it was light enough outside for strangers to begin roaming around. Security personnel went into quick action, jumping on property owners in bed to alert them to the dangerous conditions. After owners pushed employee away and rolled over, said employee decided the best course of action was to lay across the female property owner’s legs and “nap it out” while waiting for owners to get out of bed. When clock alarm sounded at 6:00 a.m., employee aggressively barked before backing the “south end” of his body onto the male property owner’s pillow as he rolled over to shut the alarm off, thus securing employee’s spot in the shared bed (and ensuring that owner would be washing his pillow case later that day).
At 8:00 a.m., female property owner walked security employee around the neighborhood to assess the environment. Employee was reprimanded by property owner as he was distracted by a Yorkshire Terrier walking down the street. Apparently commenting about her “sweet tail” is not professional. Employee continued to sniff and pee his way throughout the walk and collected enough data to plan the reminder of the day.
The reminder of the day was uneventful.
Male property owner arrived home at 5:00 p.m. He was ignored by security guard who was busy napping and dreaming of eating chicken.
Female property owner arrived home at 6:00 p.m. She received a nose in a very personal area and employee was promptly slapped.
Wednesday, May 10:
At 5:30 a.m. employee was on the job at One Paw Hill Road. Thought he heard a rooster crowing but quickly remembered that his noisy friend down the road was taken care of by a speedy fox last year. Maybe it was just a dream?
By 6:00 a.m. employee was in motion, taking a leisurely walk down the street with female client. Employee performed a lot of investigative work as he made his way down the street. It was concluded that there was one new puppy in the neighborhood and three puppy parents who were not observing the New Milford Pup Committee rules for “picking up the poop”. Employee was disturbed by this and wrote extensive notes for future follow up with neighbors.
Employee arrived home in time to bid male client farewell as he headed to his day job. As usual, employee delivered his best growl, combining this with his patented gymnastics on a leash move as he demonstrated his deep disapproval for male leaving his family.
Once inside the premises, employee received a tasty peanut butter treat before being dispatched to his office in the laundry room as female client left for the day. Employee barked and snarled as the door was being shut.
The remainder of the day was spent looking out the window, assessing security concerns.
Clients arrived home around 6:00 p.m. as employee was finishing his Yoga practice, demonstrating his exemplary downward facing dog pose.
Thursday, May 11:
At 7:55 a.m., employee was watering the grass outside the front door and observed the next door neighbor walking her “little person” up the driveway to the street. The little person waved to employee who could not return the gesture as he was now in a precarious squatting position. A walk down the street with female property owner followed, with little activity to report on.
A loud noise was heard in the house at 12:10 p.m. which caused employee to poop on the floor.
The rest of the afternoon was spent devising ways to cover the evidence.
At 5:00 p.m., male property owner returned and it became apparent to employee that the evidence was still observable to the owner as he shook his head back and forth while saying the employee’s name over and over again.
At 6:00 p.m. the female property owner returned and was given the update by male. Her reaction to the employee was the same.
While employee was given a written notice of “unprofessional” behavior, his job is still secure.
Friday, May 12:
Employee began work at precisely 5:30 a.m. Employee jumped up on owners’ bed to assess the loud noise that was being emitted by male owner. The noise was determined to be concerning, as it was prolonged and didn’t emit a smell (short noises followed by a smell are something employee does not want to handle). Sensing this could be a major medical emergency, employee went into action, first stepping on male’s chest before sticking a paw up his nose. This seemed to do the trick as male immediately got up and out of bed.
At 8:00 a.m., both owners left for work giving employee further training in barking viciously and taking a hissy fit.
At 1:00 p.m., male owner returned to premises for a lunch break. Employee generally ignored him while continuing his nap; however, when male picked up his keys to leave, employee woke from nap and expressed his displeasure at the sudden change in events. Employee practiced his “what to do in case a burglar enters your house” tactics as owner squeezed out the front door while fighting off a terrorizing Wheaten.
Squirrels were scared off the property by growls through the course of the day. Neighbors walking their dogs down the street were given a demonstration of BBB Security’s guaranteed “Growl Protection Plan”, complete with hissing and spitting/drooling. Names were recorded for any parent found not “picking up the poop” according to the New Milford PUP Committee Guidelines.
At 2:30 p.m., pretty girls were observed jogging. Employee just watched and smiled.
From 3:00 – 5:00 employee typed security report and prepared notifications to the New Milford PUP Committee.
At 5:00 p.m., owners arrived home to the standard greeting of a paw to the crotch (male) and a nose in the crotch (female). Employee is now off duty until Monday morning.
Respectfully submitted by:
Bailey Biscuit Ball
President, BBB Security, Inc.